<3 to friends and family for lovely support.
Fighting back
søndag 27. november 2016
mandag 21. november 2016
A comment from Siobahns family.
Siobahns family and friends have been made aware of certain accusations being made in internet communities regarding Siobahn's motives and identity.
These scurrilous rumours are entirely without merit and a response from the family will be forthcoming.
Is fírinne an chéad taismeach comhcheilge agus Fothaí sé ar chomhtharlú
lørdag 19. november 2016
I'm not sure where all the photos went..
For info: I updated the background of the blog and all the old photos disappeared of my calender - even the cameltoe one. I'm a bit sad about that as they're really the only pics I have left from that time unless I dig through my old dead laptop and find the whole thing.
I wont delete anything from this blog intentionally.
It was supposed to be a record of my indiegogo - anyone who subscribed to the calender could come here and see the progress I made, but after it shut down I kind of gave up on it... until now.
Who knows.. maybe I find the calender and release it..or update it to 2017 and sell it for spaceships again.
Or bitcoins....
I wont delete anything from this blog intentionally.
It was supposed to be a record of my indiegogo - anyone who subscribed to the calender could come here and see the progress I made, but after it shut down I kind of gave up on it... until now.
Who knows.. maybe I find the calender and release it..or update it to 2017 and sell it for spaceships again.
Or bitcoins....
A name is a powerful thing.
Shiv SHivvers. Shivblitz. Sheepies. Maaaaaahon. Shimone. Shivviez.
Deloria is a much easier name than some others...
Lets start with Siobahn... In school I was 1 of 4 girls in my class of 30 with the same name.. Only they were all Siobhan.. feckin irish (We're in Northern Irleand by the way so why the feck does it matter?).
Thats a self dox by the way.. Name and location. Two more for the list.
So I had teachers correcting my homework by crossing out my name and replacing the 'h'.
"Siobahn is not good Irish"
'kay. (My passport says UK but I'm not allowed to say that am I? I'm not sure what the rules are any more).
So online I have other names.
Murderkiss! Everin! Deloria! Lightness! Killerkitty! Softpaws! (love that movie).
Plus some others. *sigh* Dulcinea...
My first online thing was IMVU - which is a 3d thing where you make avatars and stand around and chat in small rooms. It was great for RP. Its where I really learned to type.
Also it was my first foray into the adult side of the internet. My PC was pretty locked down but IMVU had 2 modes where the adult part was locked behind *AP* access.
AP means Access Pass and it used to be creditcard locked. It doesn't mean "adult" so much as "we're not really looking at what this stuff is unless someone complains about it"...
So really yeah it means Adult stuff.
OMG I wanted AP so bad. Every now and then in the store you'd get these little hints of what AP could be about..
"BDSM table with leather restraints"... access denied! No AP No BDSM for you.
To cut a long story very short I got my little fingers on a creditcard and went full AP... tw'was the beginning of a dark dark road towards debauchery. Hello BDSM!
Well no. Actually I just learned that some people really like dressing up as cats. I eas a furry!!As a (11? 12?) year old I thought Yiffy was perfectly brilliant.
Who the feck DOESN*T wish they were a cat? Ammirite? God I could tell you the stories...
nMn__=>^.^<=__nMn
**Kitty pounce**
This is *not* my avatar. My IMVU is long gone now. But I did the teals and whites like this.
Softpaws curls up in the lap of her new master and purrs happily. She nomms his fingers with the furious might of an enraged toothbrush. It might actually start to hurt in an hour or two - but she feels she should get 10 out of 10 for effort.
Gentle reader, If RP isn't your thing I understand I just gave you another reason to want to hate me. But feckit I giggle. I loved that other people could get erections as I described wandering around a house chewing the furniture. I loved wearing a collar and getting punished and being loved in one moment - and then switching to a haughty drow in chainmail and leather and slapping down illiterate wannabe barbarians with smooth words and cocky combat intros.
The thing for me really was the Roleplay... That was what I really learned to love. I met a really nice group of 30, 40 50 somethings who were all into old RP like D&D and had this new thing going on called T1 Para RP: Basically this combat RP where a typist uses paragraphs of text to defeat an opponent.. all with the power of words.
I was never good at chess - but I loved to read. Like seriously I actually thought Don Quixote was a magical book when I was 10. My first real RP character was a lovely plump maiden called Dulcinea. (Who also happened to be a kick-ass undead vampire slayer btw).
I came alive in Dulcinea. I was hanging with people older than me and.. learning to be like them. They laughed at my jokes and had me on their friends list. I even erp'ed with a few of them - plagerizing sexy lines out of online erotic fiction and memorizing them. And people used to compliment me on my descriptivness and lively fantasy :P Some people paid me to rp with them! the hussy!
So in the end I started to write my own stories - and had a lovely time. I had one good Master.. a couple of OK mistresses. Lots of fun encounters and a few horror stories.
By the time I was 13.. I think I was a pretty good writer. Sucky Grammar. Sucky Mary Jane stories. A propensity to overuse an overly descriptive and confabulated vocabulary in efforts to hide an all too apparent insecurity and immaturity (see?). But noone ever really challenged me on the age thing. I easily passed for 18 - 20 - 22.
Funny thing is the habits you build as a sneaky age thief on the internet. But I really think: this is a normal thing now. Something old people have NO CLUE about. This is how kids grow up in the online world. And especially if online becomes such a retreat from the shit of realife. Even for a kid.
What if Mary Shelley had been a fangirl for Overwatch? What if Emily Bronte and her sisters were into warcraft? Would they have wanted to find the same channels I did?
The stuff we are curious about has always been behind locked doors... Little boys stealing their dad's girly mags from a locked draw. Children playing with guns. Prepubescent girls leanring to talk sex in disguise in chat rooms. I can't judge it really. I don't think it did me any harm. Maybe by 15 I had a few more explicit words in my vocabulary than most normal teenager? But probably not. I was typing about it. Everyone else was probably off out in the world doing it.
If Siobahn (can you promounce it? Most can't to look at it). hadn't been so fecked up and damged from all the shrinkage maybe she would have been off doing it to. But she wasn't.. So Dulcinea and Everin and Deloria were.
Feeling better
I really made a difference. A small difference. We are what we do - not what we say.
https://forums.robertsspaceindustries.com/discussion/355007/we-didnt-fund-a-company-we-funded-a-game-remember-the-pledge-please-close
I did that.
I got a bit of sh*t for it tbh. But it had a good result. Not a great one... there's still a lot wrong, but at least now we have a chance to see whats happening and to poke around as opposed to taking everything with blind faith.
So... Why am i still angry? Why do I feel like that was a secondary little victory and the big one is still out there? Because if other people get to say who you are..it negates any achievement you have. Its a bitter little victory.
<--------- Needs more victories. No matter the cost.
More self doxxing incoming: Today I want to talk about shrinkage.
Shrinkage is what starts happening to your brain when you are subjected to the opinions of too many shrinks. Its my own term. I invented it back when I was like 10.
When I was a young child I was an angel. Like really I was a beautiful child. And I knew it because everybody said so.
Here's the thing about being told you're pretty - its great and makes you a narcissist - even if you're 7 or 8. You are the preferred child in every gathering of adults and you milk it for extra hugs and candy.
But what happens when you stare in the mirror and notice that your nose is not quite straight.. Your cover will be blown!If people see it too they will realise you're not the beautiful child! That lopsided smile... fron that angle.. That nostril flaring - is my nose not straight!?! Your hair is grotty no matter how many times you brush it... and then you realise its falling out.
You hair is falling out because you've been brushing it for 4 hours - because it was just... wrong. But now its matted and.. bloody. Your scalp is bleeding and hair is on the brush. You have bald patches and your brother is crying because you're just standing at the mirror brushing a bleeding bald patch over and over and over.
That's just the hair. Your nose is a hags nose. A witches nose. You spend hours trying to bend it back: straighten it. Its bruised and bloody and your parents think your brother is hitting you.
Eventually when he has his heart attack and dies you'll wonder if it was because of all the stress you caused him. All the blame and guilt you made for him. Nah - his beautiful heart was just too big. But you will always wonder.
Things get worse.. Puberty and breasts - uneven by a millimeter. growing agonizingly slowly into totally imperfect useless flesh-lumps. Everyone will see how imperfect you are - how hideously misshapen you are.. You stop going out. You wear hats. You hide in lumpy sweaters. You stay inside.
It takes 4 hours to put on make up. it takes 2 to dress in appropriate camouflage You dont eat (food makes the shapes worse).
This is your 12 year old life.. plus the shrinkage.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx
It gets worse.. Fat folds and flubber.. that other people tell you is skin because your ribs are showing.
And they're aghast - they really worry. But they think food is the answer - feckin idiots.
Boys stare at tits. Do they know see how many millimeters my left one is off center? Can they see that through my bra? My top and these layers... all these layers. Enough layers?
I can fake it.. Foundation.. tanner.. more feckin creams and chemistry than an alchemists lab.. butr then is that me? This painted plastered doll with a monster underneath.. and inside that...
Me. Beautiful me. Shrinking.
I know I'm beautiful. I know people see it. But I can't. Like a blind person doesn't see flowers. When I look at me I see proporitons and flesh. Skin and angles. A misshapen mammal in a suit of blood and hair. So I dont. I don't ask people to. I don't go out except at night I stay in.
This got better but its still there. I pretty much vampire, but I'm not completely useless - I go out to clubs and such. Noone notices makeup layers under spotlights and here in Norway it gets dark early.. like 4 or 5 in the afternoon. And you can wear hoodies and parkas. Maybe I will pop a few photos soon of my hoodie collection. But everyone knows vampires can't take photos ammirite?
During the day I play computer games. And people who know me accept that. My family accept it. My friends accept it - and online ppl I tell it to eventually accept it. "yeah people who play too much mmos always have some life problem."
Here are my mmos: wildstar, eso, tera, archeage, TSW, AoC, EliteDangerous, LiF, Crowfall, Star Citizen, ShardsOnline, LoTRO... thats in about 5 years since I first became a real nerd.
Online I'm not a sack of disproportional meat. I'm Deloria. Space Pirate Night elf assassin Brooding mercenary hunter killer heroine to the grateful masses - or whoever the feck I feel like being that particular evening.
Deloria isn't defined by her failures or insecurities.. She sure as feck won't be defined by a group of lonely old men who can't handle the idea off women - for all their flaws - actually doing anything beyond their narrow typecasting of gender and age, Shes another strong woman in a world that needs women strong. Shes my vicarious hero, free of shrinkage.
I am Deloria. This is my blogg.
https://forums.robertsspaceindustries.com/discussion/355007/we-didnt-fund-a-company-we-funded-a-game-remember-the-pledge-please-close
I did that.
I got a bit of sh*t for it tbh. But it had a good result. Not a great one... there's still a lot wrong, but at least now we have a chance to see whats happening and to poke around as opposed to taking everything with blind faith.
So... Why am i still angry? Why do I feel like that was a secondary little victory and the big one is still out there? Because if other people get to say who you are..it negates any achievement you have. Its a bitter little victory.
<--------- Needs more victories. No matter the cost.
More self doxxing incoming: Today I want to talk about shrinkage.
Shrinkage is what starts happening to your brain when you are subjected to the opinions of too many shrinks. Its my own term. I invented it back when I was like 10.
When I was a young child I was an angel. Like really I was a beautiful child. And I knew it because everybody said so.
Here's the thing about being told you're pretty - its great and makes you a narcissist - even if you're 7 or 8. You are the preferred child in every gathering of adults and you milk it for extra hugs and candy.
But what happens when you stare in the mirror and notice that your nose is not quite straight.. Your cover will be blown!If people see it too they will realise you're not the beautiful child! That lopsided smile... fron that angle.. That nostril flaring - is my nose not straight!?! Your hair is grotty no matter how many times you brush it... and then you realise its falling out.
You hair is falling out because you've been brushing it for 4 hours - because it was just... wrong. But now its matted and.. bloody. Your scalp is bleeding and hair is on the brush. You have bald patches and your brother is crying because you're just standing at the mirror brushing a bleeding bald patch over and over and over.
That's just the hair. Your nose is a hags nose. A witches nose. You spend hours trying to bend it back: straighten it. Its bruised and bloody and your parents think your brother is hitting you.
Eventually when he has his heart attack and dies you'll wonder if it was because of all the stress you caused him. All the blame and guilt you made for him. Nah - his beautiful heart was just too big. But you will always wonder.
Things get worse.. Puberty and breasts - uneven by a millimeter. growing agonizingly slowly into totally imperfect useless flesh-lumps. Everyone will see how imperfect you are - how hideously misshapen you are.. You stop going out. You wear hats. You hide in lumpy sweaters. You stay inside.
It takes 4 hours to put on make up. it takes 2 to dress in appropriate camouflage You dont eat (food makes the shapes worse).
This is your 12 year old life.. plus the shrinkage.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx
It gets worse.. Fat folds and flubber.. that other people tell you is skin because your ribs are showing.
And they're aghast - they really worry. But they think food is the answer - feckin idiots.
Boys stare at tits. Do they know see how many millimeters my left one is off center? Can they see that through my bra? My top and these layers... all these layers. Enough layers?
I can fake it.. Foundation.. tanner.. more feckin creams and chemistry than an alchemists lab.. butr then is that me? This painted plastered doll with a monster underneath.. and inside that...
Me. Beautiful me. Shrinking.
I know I'm beautiful. I know people see it. But I can't. Like a blind person doesn't see flowers. When I look at me I see proporitons and flesh. Skin and angles. A misshapen mammal in a suit of blood and hair. So I dont. I don't ask people to. I don't go out except at night I stay in.
This got better but its still there. I pretty much vampire, but I'm not completely useless - I go out to clubs and such. Noone notices makeup layers under spotlights and here in Norway it gets dark early.. like 4 or 5 in the afternoon. And you can wear hoodies and parkas. Maybe I will pop a few photos soon of my hoodie collection. But everyone knows vampires can't take photos ammirite?
During the day I play computer games. And people who know me accept that. My family accept it. My friends accept it - and online ppl I tell it to eventually accept it. "yeah people who play too much mmos always have some life problem."
Here are my mmos: wildstar, eso, tera, archeage, TSW, AoC, EliteDangerous, LiF, Crowfall, Star Citizen, ShardsOnline, LoTRO... thats in about 5 years since I first became a real nerd.
Online I'm not a sack of disproportional meat. I'm Deloria. Space Pirate Night elf assassin Brooding mercenary hunter killer heroine to the grateful masses - or whoever the feck I feel like being that particular evening.
Deloria isn't defined by her failures or insecurities.. She sure as feck won't be defined by a group of lonely old men who can't handle the idea off women - for all their flaws - actually doing anything beyond their narrow typecasting of gender and age, Shes another strong woman in a world that needs women strong. Shes my vicarious hero, free of shrinkage.
I am Deloria. This is my blogg.
fredag 18. november 2016
I like spaceships!
Ok this is going to be a doozy. bare with me.
Girls aren't allowed to like spaceships. If you like Spaceships you're a neckbeard.
(Please ignore the pretty girl on the front page talking about spaceships and what she likes about them - she's obviously only miming to Rick Astley).
We especially aren't allowed to get excited when our friends get excited about spaceships and tell us about spaceships... Or even - god forbid - buy us a spaceship as an early birthday present.
Oh well. Here is a game about Space ships. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/cig/star-citizen
Or rather - A fundraiser to make a spaceship game that started in October 2012.. exactly 1 month before my 15th birthday.
If only I was allowed to be into spaceships - I imagine I could have enjoyed the buzz everyone else who was online at the time and playing computer games might have been feeling.
But lets be real here - Young girls don't do space. We do fluffy animals! When our friends tell us to go off and check out certain space games to find out why spaceships are cool - we are definitely not allowed to check out those games, like them and then report back that whoever made them must be kind of awesome.
This is not a learning process young girls of 14 and 15 are allowed to partake in. It is reserved exclusively for neckbeards.
We are most certainly not allowed to "go big" and start fantasizing about all the things that might be done in games about spaceships.
I hope that makes sense to you. I have had it explained to me in great detail as to why I'm definitely not a girl. And certainly not an 18 year old - because goodness that would make me only 14 when Star Citizen came out. And only 5 when Freelancer came out!!! OMG!
NOBODY can know about freelancer and not be a faking neckbeard. Theres no way a 15 year old girl would find out who Chris roberts is.
Can you imagine the nerve of someone - a girl! - getting a free spaceship (that everyone has to earn with real money!!) getting into a space game at the age of 14?
Can't be done.
And oh look - oops I doxxed myself again. I just revealed one of my Star Citizen alts (it kind of was always tagged as an alt account but oh well). See? I use alts! Must be some kind of grotty guy.
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