Feeling better

I really made a difference. A small difference. We are what we do - not what we say.

https://forums.robertsspaceindustries.com/discussion/355007/we-didnt-fund-a-company-we-funded-a-game-remember-the-pledge-please-close

I did that.

I got a bit of sh*t for it tbh. But it had a good result. Not a great one... there's still a lot wrong, but at least now we have a chance to see whats happening and to poke around as opposed to taking everything with blind faith.

So... Why am i still angry? Why do I feel like that was a secondary little victory and the big one is still out there? Because if other people get to say who you are..it negates any achievement you have. Its a bitter little victory.

<--------- Needs more victories. No matter the cost.

More self doxxing incoming: Today I want to talk about shrinkage.

Shrinkage is what starts happening to your brain when you are subjected to the opinions of too many shrinks. Its my own term. I invented it back when I was like 10.

When I was a young child I was an angel. Like really I was a beautiful child. And I knew it because everybody said so.

Here's the thing about being told you're pretty - its great and makes you a narcissist - even if you're 7 or 8. You are the preferred child in every gathering of adults and you milk it for extra hugs and candy.

But what happens when you stare in the mirror and notice that your nose is not quite straight.. Your cover will be blown!If people see it too they will realise you're not the beautiful child! That lopsided smile... fron that angle.. That nostril flaring - is my nose not straight!?! Your hair is grotty no matter how many times you brush it... and then you realise its falling out.

You hair is falling out because you've been brushing it for 4 hours - because it was just... wrong. But now its matted and.. bloody. Your scalp is bleeding and hair is on the brush. You have bald patches and your brother is crying because you're just standing at the mirror brushing a bleeding bald patch over and over and over.

That's just the hair. Your nose is a hags nose. A witches nose. You spend hours trying to bend it back: straighten it. Its bruised and bloody and your parents think your brother is hitting you.

Eventually when he has his heart attack and dies you'll wonder if it was because of all the stress you caused him. All the blame and guilt you made for him. Nah - his beautiful heart was just too big. But you will always wonder.

Things get worse.. Puberty and breasts - uneven by a millimeter. growing agonizingly slowly into totally imperfect useless flesh-lumps. Everyone will see how imperfect you are - how hideously misshapen you are.. You stop going out. You wear hats. You hide in lumpy sweaters. You stay inside.

It takes 4 hours to put on make up. it takes 2 to dress in appropriate camouflage You dont eat (food makes the shapes worse).

This is your 12 year old life.. plus the shrinkage.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

It gets worse.. Fat folds and flubber.. that other people tell you is skin because your ribs are showing.
And they're aghast - they really worry. But they think food is the answer - feckin idiots.

Boys stare at tits. Do they know see how many millimeters my left one is off center? Can they see that through my bra? My top and these layers... all these layers. Enough layers?

I can fake it.. Foundation.. tanner.. more feckin creams and chemistry than an alchemists lab.. butr then is that me? This painted plastered doll with a monster underneath.. and inside that...

Me. Beautiful me. Shrinking.

I know I'm beautiful. I know people see it. But I can't. Like a blind person doesn't see flowers. When I look at me I see proporitons and flesh. Skin and angles. A misshapen mammal in a suit of blood and hair. So I dont. I don't ask people to. I don't go out except at night I stay in.

This got better but its still there. I pretty much vampire, but I'm not completely useless - I go out to clubs and such. Noone notices makeup layers under spotlights and here in Norway it gets dark early.. like 4 or 5 in the afternoon. And you can wear hoodies and parkas. Maybe I will pop a few photos soon of my hoodie collection. But everyone knows vampires can't take photos ammirite?

During the day I play computer games. And people who know me accept that. My family accept it. My friends accept it - and online ppl I tell it to eventually accept it. "yeah people who play too much mmos always have some life problem."

Here are my mmos: wildstar, eso, tera, archeage, TSW, AoC, EliteDangerous, LiF, Crowfall, Star Citizen, ShardsOnline, LoTRO... thats in about 5 years since I first became a real nerd.

Online I'm not a sack of disproportional meat. I'm Deloria. Space Pirate Night elf assassin Brooding mercenary hunter killer heroine to the grateful masses - or whoever the feck I feel like being that particular evening.

Deloria isn't defined by her failures or insecurities.. She sure as feck won't be defined by a group of lonely old men who can't handle the idea off women - for all their flaws - actually doing anything beyond their narrow typecasting of gender and age, Shes another strong woman in a world that needs women strong. Shes my vicarious hero, free of shrinkage.

I am Deloria. This is my blogg.