Feeling better

I really made a difference. A small difference. We are what we do - not what we say.

https://forums.robertsspaceindustries.com/discussion/355007/we-didnt-fund-a-company-we-funded-a-game-remember-the-pledge-please-close

I did that.

I got a bit of sh*t for it tbh. But it had a good result. Not a great one... there's still a lot wrong, but at least now we have a chance to see whats happening and to poke around as opposed to taking everything with blind faith.

So... Why am i still angry? Why do I feel like that was a secondary little victory and the big one is still out there? Because if other people get to say who you are..it negates any achievement you have. Its a bitter little victory.

<--------- Needs more victories. No matter the cost.

More self doxxing incoming: Today I want to talk about shrinkage.

Shrinkage is what starts happening to your brain when you are subjected to the opinions of too many shrinks. Its my own term. I invented it back when I was like 10.

When I was a young child I was an angel. Like really I was a beautiful child. And I knew it because everybody said so.

Here's the thing about being told you're pretty - its great and makes you a narcissist - even if you're 7 or 8. You are the preferred child in every gathering of adults and you milk it for extra hugs and candy.

But what happens when you stare in the mirror and notice that your nose is not quite straight.. Your cover will be blown!If people see it too they will realise you're not the beautiful child! That lopsided smile... fron that angle.. That nostril flaring - is my nose not straight!?! Your hair is grotty no matter how many times you brush it... and then you realise its falling out.

You hair is falling out because you've been brushing it for 4 hours - because it was just... wrong. But now its matted and.. bloody. Your scalp is bleeding and hair is on the brush. You have bald patches and your brother is crying because you're just standing at the mirror brushing a bleeding bald patch over and over and over.

That's just the hair. Your nose is a hags nose. A witches nose. You spend hours trying to bend it back: straighten it. Its bruised and bloody and your parents think your brother is hitting you.

Eventually when he has his heart attack and dies you'll wonder if it was because of all the stress you caused him. All the blame and guilt you made for him. Nah - his beautiful heart was just too big. But you will always wonder.

Things get worse.. Puberty and breasts - uneven by a millimeter. growing agonizingly slowly into totally imperfect useless flesh-lumps. Everyone will see how imperfect you are - how hideously misshapen you are.. You stop going out. You wear hats. You hide in lumpy sweaters. You stay inside.

It takes 4 hours to put on make up. it takes 2 to dress in appropriate camouflage You dont eat (food makes the shapes worse).

This is your 12 year old life.. plus the shrinkage.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

It gets worse.. Fat folds and flubber.. that other people tell you is skin because your ribs are showing.
And they're aghast - they really worry. But they think food is the answer - feckin idiots.

Boys stare at tits. Do they know see how many millimeters my left one is off center? Can they see that through my bra? My top and these layers... all these layers. Enough layers?

I can fake it.. Foundation.. tanner.. more feckin creams and chemistry than an alchemists lab.. butr then is that me? This painted plastered doll with a monster underneath.. and inside that...

Me. Beautiful me. Shrinking.

I know I'm beautiful. I know people see it. But I can't. Like a blind person doesn't see flowers. When I look at me I see proporitons and flesh. Skin and angles. A misshapen mammal in a suit of blood and hair. So I dont. I don't ask people to. I don't go out except at night I stay in.

This got better but its still there. I pretty much vampire, but I'm not completely useless - I go out to clubs and such. Noone notices makeup layers under spotlights and here in Norway it gets dark early.. like 4 or 5 in the afternoon. And you can wear hoodies and parkas. Maybe I will pop a few photos soon of my hoodie collection. But everyone knows vampires can't take photos ammirite?

During the day I play computer games. And people who know me accept that. My family accept it. My friends accept it - and online ppl I tell it to eventually accept it. "yeah people who play too much mmos always have some life problem."

Here are my mmos: wildstar, eso, tera, archeage, TSW, AoC, EliteDangerous, LiF, Crowfall, Star Citizen, ShardsOnline, LoTRO... thats in about 5 years since I first became a real nerd.

Online I'm not a sack of disproportional meat. I'm Deloria. Space Pirate Night elf assassin Brooding mercenary hunter killer heroine to the grateful masses - or whoever the feck I feel like being that particular evening.

Deloria isn't defined by her failures or insecurities.. She sure as feck won't be defined by a group of lonely old men who can't handle the idea off women - for all their flaws - actually doing anything beyond their narrow typecasting of gender and age, Shes another strong woman in a world that needs women strong. Shes my vicarious hero, free of shrinkage.

I am Deloria. This is my blogg.

I like spaceships!

Ok this is going to be a doozy. bare with me.

Girls aren't allowed to like spaceships. If you like Spaceships you're a neckbeard. 
(Please ignore the pretty girl on the front page talking about spaceships and what she likes about them - she's obviously only miming to Rick Astley).

We especially aren't allowed to get excited when our friends get excited about spaceships and tell us about spaceships... Or even - god forbid - buy us a spaceship as an early birthday present.

Oh well. Here is a game about Space ships. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/cig/star-citizen
Or rather - A fundraiser to make a spaceship game that started in October 2012.. exactly 1 month before my 15th birthday.

If only I was allowed to be into spaceships - I imagine I could have enjoyed the buzz everyone else who was online at the time and playing computer games might have been feeling.

But lets be real here - Young girls don't do space. We do fluffy animals! When our friends tell us to go off and check out certain space games to find out why spaceships are cool - we are definitely not allowed to check out those games, like them and then report back that whoever made them must be kind of awesome.

This is not a learning process young girls of 14 and 15 are allowed to partake in. It is reserved exclusively for neckbeards.

We are most certainly not allowed to "go big" and start fantasizing about all the things that might be done in games about spaceships.

I hope that makes sense to you. I have had it explained to me in great detail as to why I'm definitely not a girl. And certainly not an 18 year old - because goodness that would make me only 14 when Star Citizen came out. And only 5 when Freelancer came out!!! OMG!

NOBODY can know about freelancer and not be a faking neckbeard. Theres no way a 15 year old girl would find out who Chris roberts is.

I think I'm making total sense here. I can really see the logic.

Can you imagine the nerve of someone - a girl! - getting a free spaceship (that everyone has to earn with real money!!)  getting into a space game at the age of 14?

Can't be done.

And oh look - oops I doxxed myself again. I just revealed one of my Star Citizen alts (it kind of was always tagged as an alt account but oh well). See? I use alts! Must be some kind of grotty guy. 

Welcome to my Blog (re).

Now my blog is ressurected. Deloria 2.0.

I am older and wiser. I don't feel different from 3 years ago but theres a few things I can do. I am legally able to do:

I can legally drink! (Actually I was drinking at 13! immoral!)
I can join the military and probably will (In Norway thats a thing for girls). Testicles aren't a prerequisite to standing up for yourself - who knew?.
I can have sex! (Oh Wait I could do that at 14 as well so long as it was with an adolescent .. OMG perv ammirite?).
I can vote for empowered women (And maybe - just maybe I can  admire the men that appreciate them even more if that were possible).

What else...

I can buy my own stuff! CREDIT CARDS! No more skulking around on other people or with my stupid debitcard. I have digital purchasing power! BITCOINS! (Wait! warning alert. Women arent into bitcoins).

Of course.. Its also true to say I'm not quite there yet :| Frankly there aren't a lot of clubs in Oslo that just let an 18 year old walk in.

Luckily we have certain sites that let us overcome this injustice.

Oops!! Did I just doxx myself by revealing I'm a notorious criminal!!! Fake ID OMG!! The horror.
Of course - I fully understand a "Vape smoking 30 year old neckbeard" would also have a desperate need to appear outside a club in a miniskirt and pretend to be 21... Luckily that's the age limit of the card in question so he is sorted as well.

Are you there troll? Scoobygang? Did you piece that together? You were so busy looking at me buying bitcoin and thinking "Theres no way an 18 year old girl is into bitcoin!" you missed the fecking evidence. I needed bitcoin to get a fake ID to get into a club with an age 20 age limit. You dufus.
Your own sexism got in the way of the fecking facts: the site doesn't offer cards with ages over 21.

Theres my first self dox. It was right under your eyes you shabby shabby doos. I'm a hardened underage criminal.

And suddenly....

This place got a bit of interest.


I got accused of being a creepy old man cos - you know - 14 or 15 year old girls don't have the mental capacity to think about things like web comics, graphics design, spaceships... or have questions or muse about their own anatomies... They don't have ambitions to be graphic artists or to play video games. They can't have money or be curious about things outside of.. I dunno hair and makeup. They're definitely not allowed to have naughty thoughts or poke around (digitally or....digitally?) with their sexual organs.

Especially... and this is the biggy. They're not allowed to use big words and discuss things over the head of their olders and wisers. Feck that CAN'T BE a girl.. Only guys can use words at an early age. (And feck faker neckbeards like this - amirite? We all know teenage chicks don't write with big words).


Only guys get to get involve themselves in sophisticated conversations about the nature of transparency and honesty when purchasing digital spaceships.

This is what I got the most when I was being accused of being a dirty old man: "That theres no way a 14 year old  (!I was 15 do the math but - whatever. You're my elders so you know best obviously.).. ...can argue eloquently and passionately and articulately about things in a way that contradicts a preformed notion about juvenility. Yes that was a big sentence - see? I HAVE to be an old guy to write that.

Basically a group of ageist sexist men have defined me into an image more pleasingly familiar to them (neckbeard!) because.. wait for it... its intolerable that a *child* (in america 14/15 is a child) can try and have define herself according to sexual identity and curiosity - making no allowances for inexpererience or naievite or precocsiousness or sheer feckin desire to be part of the digital world.

Sure some of what we do is stupid. Was my Calender idea from 3 years ago stupid? Maybe. I learned a lot. I wanted to be a graphic designer. I thought it was a good idea. I maybe didnt have a very good plan. Feckin sue me.

I mean what kind of teenager would have thoughts about that stuff? I'm sure boys and *men* certainly never would ponder their own scantily clad fiction heros. So.. yeah if a girl is posting stuff about girls in bikinis it's GOTTA be a greasy old guy right. Only a man would talk about a vulva and how to make it non-pornographic in a spaceship bikini calender :|

But.. heres the thing. I have people ripping at my identity. And I shouldn't care - but it REALLY feckin does. I'm being defined by other people. And my digital identity is kind of important.

Andto explain that important I realise I have to give some stuff up about myself. - but it I do then isnt that me doxxing myself? Did I have to do that just to get *recognition* from people that honestly I don't care about?

And then I think about this guy.

Basically he had people attempt to define him: You CANT BE AMERICAN! WHERES THE BIRTH CERT?

And he went high when they went low: He asked people to check his background and be reasonable.

AND THEY SAID *OMG we found evidence - Youre not who you say you are*

And in the end even he had to cave. Barack Obama had to cave into the trolls and doxx himself by revealing his birth certificate.

Even he had to do it. Not to let the trolls win - but because he didn't want the discussion to cloud his further road. (It did anyway - cos trolls are NEVER satisfied). He knew that every time he spoke.. Every time he had an opinion - people would simply negate it with "You're not American - Phoney!".

And I know that online now whenever I go to do my RP things or chat anywhere like Reddit - someone is simply going to do that as well. Negate me as a person, simply because they can't handle a girl being interested and articulate.

*Full disclosure* The Obamas are my heroes. They go high when others go low. As far as I'm concerned When he chose to release his Birth Cert Barack Obama was demonstrating the very highest level of integrity when he allowed his Birth Cert to be revealed. It was a sacrifice on the alter of decency... A frikkin Aslan moment - he appeased the trolls.

So.. That's it. I'm going to doxx myself. BIG whup.  But I need to figure out how to do it in a way that doesn't ruin me. I'm not going to let someone control the discussion about who I am. Online or offline. This blogg is officially resurrected.

To all the trolls that doxxed my friends: Feck you. You don't get to define me. You don't get to mould me into a more relateable image just because you can't handle young girls who can out-argue you, out-fight you, out-spend you and out-awesome you. I can do ANYTHING I want - And I do not care if it scares you. This is our century GET USED TO IT.

Stay tuned... Doxx incoming.

Gravity you win again...

Theres like a month left before it just gets too wet and messy to skateboard -- and to add injury to insult I just went down like a sack of potatoes and fell in the most completely noobish awkward way. Wrists, elbows and bum-plant on my wheels... I have bruises like apples on my arse and I think I need new trucks now so no more skating this year..... Damn you gravity!!

To cameltoe or not to cameltoe....

Amazing the ridiculous things that I have to think about.. I just came out of a 2 hour discussion on whether the shape of female genitalia is a positive or negative thing, and if theres too much of it in my calendar. Del wears skimpy swimsuit stuff and some of it is even transparent  - so even in the non nude comic theres just no hiding the vulva. Is that pornographic? I can't decide - but I know for sure I don't want Del to become just another online porn star.. I see plenty of mens mags where the outline of the girls sex organs are quite obvious - and once you start looking for it its even in Esquire and Cosmo and anywhere racy lingerie is on sale.. I think the clue is then that in a calendar thats sole purpose is putting a hot chick in knickers, too much crease is kind of drawing attention to sex, whereas a Victoria's Secrets advert is obviously all about the merchandise. If I was selling knickers instead of calendars it would obviously not be a problem. The reason I'm a little worried is cos at some stage I want this calendar to be presentable to a wider community.. not just some tacky shameful thing hidden in the locker room. Torn. To labia or not to labia?

Righty..

Tentacles - check.
monokini - check.
Scary looking alien monster - check.

Things have gotten a little wierd on the rendering front. I got a few requests for alien-like poses for Deloria and decided to explore a little... I have the models and everything but its hard to create poses that dont end up looking silly.. at least to me. It might work for the guys of course, and whatever floats the boat of my pledgers makes me happy :) Theres a line is between "suggestive" and "explicit" that I kind of need instructions on... For now I will work on the "suggestive" side and wait and see if it needs to go further.

Poor Del. I've had to download a pack called "faces of horror" to adequately express her reaction to whats probably coming. Hint: It aint smily faces.
Oh Crackers! For anyone that leans that way I've been getting my ideas from a site called Renderotica. It can be pretty hardcore, and you kind of have to keep a hand over your eyes while you search for "alien". Ubinwarned.

Also: Im ill with a flu so add copious amounts of phlegm and gravel to the above and thats me voicereading myself.